2009-12-12 16:36![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thewatchmaker
thewatchmakerIf absolute power corrupts absolutely, what does it mean that I am corrupting the people I love most in this world? Every day Gabriel becomes more and more like me. He’s killed at my side, after I’d spent months trying to keep him from falling into the abyss with me. I wouldn’t have it any other way now. He’s stronger, and I don’t have to worry about him the way I used to. But his innocence is gone.
Would it have been eventually? I think so. We are destined by our genetics, evolution and environment to be predators. A housecat is still a killer, and by most counts the most dangerous of felines because they kill for fun not food. No matter how much I tried to keep him tame, he would have crossed that imaginary line eventually. It’s better that he does it at my side instead of behind my back. I do fear the time when and if he becomes my enemy.
Then there’s Spock. I love him too, and he loves me. I wish he didn’t. I wish I didn’t. He is behaving illogically. He knows what I am. He’s seen into my mind, seen the deepest, darkest moments of my life and what made me what I am, and he still wants me. I don’t want me. How can someone as good as he is stand to be near me, let alone share what we have. Gabriel and I make sense. Spock and I do not.
I’d tell him it’s an addiction, that I give him something that he can’t get anywhere else. I give him freedom. I don’t judge. I don’t make demands. All I ask is for a moment of his time, and that he lets me fight off loneliness with him. I’ve traveled back and forth in time to see him and to bring him home with me. We constantly fight over who he thinks I am, and who I know myself to be.
It can’t last. We are doomed. I am destroying him just as I’ve destroyed Gabriel, and I don’t know that I’m comfortable in the role of corrupter. Destroyer is a face I wear like a second skin, but the demon that tempts…
My life was easier when I was hated and feared.
Being loved is so complicated.
Would it have been eventually? I think so. We are destined by our genetics, evolution and environment to be predators. A housecat is still a killer, and by most counts the most dangerous of felines because they kill for fun not food. No matter how much I tried to keep him tame, he would have crossed that imaginary line eventually. It’s better that he does it at my side instead of behind my back. I do fear the time when and if he becomes my enemy.
Then there’s Spock. I love him too, and he loves me. I wish he didn’t. I wish I didn’t. He is behaving illogically. He knows what I am. He’s seen into my mind, seen the deepest, darkest moments of my life and what made me what I am, and he still wants me. I don’t want me. How can someone as good as he is stand to be near me, let alone share what we have. Gabriel and I make sense. Spock and I do not.
I’d tell him it’s an addiction, that I give him something that he can’t get anywhere else. I give him freedom. I don’t judge. I don’t make demands. All I ask is for a moment of his time, and that he lets me fight off loneliness with him. I’ve traveled back and forth in time to see him and to bring him home with me. We constantly fight over who he thinks I am, and who I know myself to be.
It can’t last. We are doomed. I am destroying him just as I’ve destroyed Gabriel, and I don’t know that I’m comfortable in the role of corrupter. Destroyer is a face I wear like a second skin, but the demon that tempts…
My life was easier when I was hated and feared.
Being loved is so complicated.
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